This weekend, my coworkers and I attended a Friday-night screening of Fifty Shades Darker armed with a coffee mug full of of bad champagne and vaginas full of Ben Wa balls. Our bodies were ready for scenes of bland missionary sex between two actors unable to look directly at one another, much less simulate unmitigated passion; for the lazy line drawn directly from childhood trauma to light BDSM to “this guy wants to murder women who look like his mom, but who cares, it’s hot”; for Jamie Dornan’s painful struggle to approximate an American accent and suppress his own profound humiliation; for dialogue that was clearly written for Sims and translated into English; for Dakota Johnson’s wig.
What our bodies were not prepared for: the onslaught of audaciously tone-deaf whiteness. This movie is white as fuck and it loves itself!!!! It is whiter than a glass of whole milk getting fingered to a Van Morrison song, which is what happens halfway through the film, when Dakota Johnson get fingered to a Van Morrison song. Despite its title, Fifty Shades Darker is, in fact, the whitest movie of all time.
Here is a comprehensive list of Fifty Shades Darker‘s whitest moments: